Patience and Belief (two things I need more of, in spades)

This morning at the gym was . . . important. It was squat day, and I was feeling good. Confident and well-fueled and positive about some tweaks I have made to my stance and generally feeling ready to hit my heaviest lift for the day, which was supposed to be 207#x3. During my warmups and first few sets, I felt good under the bar, which I haven't for a while, and felt very much in a groove, all the way up to 197#x3, where I struggled a little on my 3rd rep, but they were all well below competition depth and I was able to push through my sticking point (which has shifted from the bottom of the hole to a few inches out of it.) All in all it was shaping up to be a kickass day.

Then . . . I'm not sure what happened, but I know it has to do with thinking too much. All of a sudden my brain was in overdrive and I was thinking about everything except what I needed to be, that being to get low and drive my knees out on the way up. I was distracted by the other people in the room (even though they'd been there the whole time), my music didn't seem to fit so perfectly any more, my pre-lift routine rhythm felt forced and false. I don't know, but I couldn't get my head on straight and failed at 207#. It sucked. I haven't failed at a weight that light since mid-May, and I have felt like I've made some pretty solid progress in the last couple months, having dialed down my weights as I adjust to Olympic lifting shoes and hitting comp depth every rep. I unracked the weights, got the bar back up, and tried again. And failed again. That sucked more.

Serious reality check time: I've had this article by Paul Carter in the back of my mind since reading it yesterday, and I know it applies to my training today. (To summarize, it is about relying on patience and belief in training to allow yourself to continue to make progress over long, loooooooong, periods of time. It is also about not being an entitled brat in the training room.) I get frustrated so easily when a weight that I think I "should" get doesn't come up. This "should" is the issue as I often feel that I deserve the weights to go the way I want. That is a problem. Thinking that I deserve a weight to go up just because I've been following my program and putting time in at the gym is bullshit. I am privileged to be able to train hard and enjoy it, and I don't deserve anything. The training is its own reward, and being able to come back every week and try again is enough.

Progress is earned and it is earned slower than I want it to be. I need to dial down the entitlement and dial back in just loving moving the weight, even if it doesn't always move the way I want it to. I also need to cut the "getting down on myself" crap, because it is really just another way to express my own disbelief that I am not getting what I deserve.

Training today:
Squat: 6 sets working up to 197#x3 and 207#x2 fails. Supersetted with core stability work.
Accessory: Snatch grip deads and single leg work.
Finisher: Jump rope.

P.s. Apologies and much gratitude to my absurdly patient trainer/coach/endless-question-answerer, Chris, who has repeatedly told me the lessons of patience and belief, in so many words, and also patiently reminded me that I am but a newbie-babe-in-the-woods-beginner at all this (and so shouldn't get so down on myself) and has also never been the slightest bit snarky or annoyed at my absurd entitlement in the gym.