Prowler = enlightenment?

This post is sort of all over the place. Sort of is an understatement. It also gets all touchy-feely about body-image and what-not, so, you know, fair warning.

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This morning at TPS while pushing the Prowler down the 100" of indoor turf they have there (AWESOMENESS), I looked in the mirror to check my form and had a shocking moment of realization, that I really do like my body. I like it all, not just my butt or my quads or my traps and shoulders that have all been wildly "improved" over the past couple years but even and perhaps especially my floppy hanging-down belly that was jiggling around as I plowed down the turf.

My stomach has always been the first thing I target in the mirror as the part of my body that I wish I could change. For years pretty much every glance in a mirror was a cringe-worthy experience for me as I was so deeply unhappy with the way that I looked (I'd say from about age 12 or whenever it is that girls start looking in the mirror and hating themselves, all the way through morbid obesity in highschool and college, right up until about two years ago at age 29, so yeah, a solid 17 years or so.) Though over the past few years I have gotten somewhat less mirror-apprehensive as I've gotten in much better shape, my stomach has been a reliable source of continued self-bashing every time I see it poking out over the top of my pants or pooching out against a clingy shirt or god forbid while bending over in a sports bra in public (THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN PT SCHOOL, PEOPLE.).

Strangely and wonderfully though, in that moment with the Prowler I really loved my stomach as a reminder of where I have been and how far I have come. The fact that it is floppy and jiggles around and hangs down when I push the Prowler is because it used to be huge and filled with fat and there's still a lot of extra skin hanging around, and it may hang around forever, and I am beginning to realize that if it does, that's totally ok. In some ways it's even better than having the ABzzzzz of my dreams because it's part of who I was, and who I was is an essential part of who I am.

I think this sudden wave of contentment is probably at least partly creditable to a few things, 1) my meditation practice, which is all about acceptance of what is, not what was or what will be (sounds sort of obnoxious and new-agey until you actually think about it, and then for me it just seems really true), 2) mad endorphins from Prowler pushing (I am a conditioning junkie for a reason), 3) feeling a degree of social acceptance and belonging at TPS that has been missing from the rest of my life.

In her book, Daring Greatly (which I think everyone should read, seriously), Brene Brown talks a lot about the importance of belonging and how not-belonging is the source of most shame. It's the idea that you are not thin-cool-pretty-smart-rich-powerful-educated-whatever-fill-in-the-blank enough to be accepted and valued by others. While I certainly feel a sense of belonging with my friends and family, and feel loved and cared for by many people and feel very lucky to have that, there are not many people who "get" the training part of my life, and why it is so important to me. Just being in the same room as a bunch of people (even if they're all strangers) who clearly place the same value on this activity that I'm so passionate about is really, really fucking cool. It helps complete another piece of the puzzle of my life that I'm trying to figure out.

So yeah, back to loving my belly. I think this moment of insight/self-awareness/ability to stop being such a dick to myself every time I look in the mirror, can at least be partly credited to feeling worthy, feeling connected, feeling less-alone in my weirdo hobby of choice. I'm not saying if I had gone to TPS years ago I would have found self-acceptance sooner (as years ago I obviously wouldn't have had any idea what to do in a gym like that, and certainly wouldn't have felt surrounded by like-minded people), rather I think I have been lucky enough to find the right place at the right time in my life, when I was ready for the insight and the opportunity to connect, and that being in that place facilitated this moment. I'm feeling extraordinarily grateful.

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Training today ("body day" or the day when I'm supposed to work on weak points with targeted accessory work and also try to give my legs a bit of a break.)

1A) Single-arm Floor Press (4x10)
1B) Lat Pulldown (4x10)
2A) Single-arm DB Row (4x10)
2B) Standing Tricep Extension (4x10)

Prowler Pushing: Sled+90#x200', Sled+180#x6x100' (9:40 total)
Kettlebell Swings 20kgx25, 20, 15, 10, 5
Plank: 1 minute

After my plank I was feeling so good I literally almost cried, laying in the gym all sweaty and spent and deliriously happy. When people say that the gym is an addiction they are telling the truth. The high is seriously high and always fun to chase.