Scale struggles (apologies for all the swearing, sometimes I get frustrated.)

I am struggling.  I would say I have been struggling because my diet is not working, and over the past month my weight has been fluctuating between 206-210#, without too much reason why (there were a couple drinks where there shouldn't have been, and a couple off-plan meals that were larger than they ought to have been, but overall I've been eating well and on-plan for the last 8-9 weeks.) But really I am struggling with exactly why I am dieting in the first place (ostensibly in order to make weight for my October competition - I am registered to compete in the 198# class.) And then there's the fact that I'm not actually "dieting" per se, I am actually following a totally sound, normal nutrition plan that just seems like a diet to most people (including myself sometimes) because it limits sugar and alcohol and doesn't include gluten/dairy/soy. But it's not really a diet, it's actually a way to eat to train/live well and feel GOOD . . .  Ideally it was/is also supposed to help me shed some weight before the competition, but that has not really been happening.

So now I am at a self-created crossroads and I am struggling. Part of me wants to put myself back on a DIET (much lower calories, no carbs except around training) to make weight for the competition in 5+ weeks, because I think the 198 class makes sense for me based on my height and body type. And because I find it hard to swallow that at my last competition I competed in the 181 class and if I don't diet down I will compete in the 220 class at this competition. Just saying that makes me cringe. Which makes me realize that all of this dieting down to get into weight classes is only superficially about competition and actually about the fucking scale. Of course. It hurts my pride/vanity/scale-obsessed psyche to imagine competing in a class with the 220# label because in my head this means that I am fat. I have managed to convince myself that the 198# class means that I am not-fat. I previously felt the same about the 181/198 class distinction (that 181# meant not-fat and that 198# meant fat.) This is all obviously beyond fucked up and pointless.

My nutrition coach does not want me to try to DIET, because as she points out there is no competitive advantage (I'm competing against myself really and my own past performance, even when there are other women in my class, as my numbers are nowhere even close to competitive-powerlifting numbers), and it's possibly harmful for my long-term goals to try to diet hard again, especially considering what happened after the last go-round (crazy binging and subsequent spiraling exponential weight gain halted only by the acquiring of this nutrition coach.)

On the other hand, the last time around I dieted for well over two months and without any guidance or real structure and indulged in some crazy-pants behavior both during and after dieting, and this time around it will be 4 weeks with a coach to keep me on track/from going too crazy.

The act of writing this blog post has made me realize that for the moment I should just keep doing what I have been doing - eating clean and training hard. In an ideal world I would be able to just weigh in at the competition at whatever weight I'm at and compete in whatever class that puts me in and be happy with that. If it's really about the powerlifting and the competition and doing my athletic best, the number on the scale really should not fucking matter. . .  Unfortunately, my neurotic self does not live in an ideal world, and having this realization does not change how I feel. I still don't know what I am going to do. Like I said, I'm struggling.